Ok Ridey/Poochy, this is an advisory clinic I'm giving you, to toughin
up the bike.

Ok, Poochy, here's what you do....!

Karate Chop the bike frame right in the middle (top bar), and scream
"eye yah!!", and do this at 2AM in the morning, while the bike is
sleeping...

Is what this does Ridey, is make the bike immune to pain, so when you
attempt to ride over rocks for the first time in your life, it will
not be in agony, and you won't be overwhelmed by MonkeySuck barf...

And as well as this toughing technique, you should wear flippers,
googles and a snorkel, with pink speedos, [and only then!!] you will
not have a problem in Moab crossing streams and rivers, as long as you
sing:

"...oh rubber ducky, you're the one... you make bath time lots of
fun... rubber ducky I'm awefully fond of you....
.....bo bo bo deeo!! ... rubber ducky joy of joys..when I squeeze you
you make noise... rubber ducky you're my very best friend - it's
true!!.... ohhhh!! everyday when I.... make my way to the tubby..!! I
find a fella who's cute & yella & chubby.. rubber ducky you're so
fine..! .....and I'm lucky that you're mine...! ....rubber ducky I'm
awefully fond of you..!"... and then Poochky, you must say "squeak
squeak squeak quack quack quack", and do this whilst eating a raw
carrot... also, take a bath brush and scrub his tummy...

Additionally, Poochkums, to fend off any threatening entitys,
spiritual or physical, carry a toilet plunger whilst riding, and rest
it on the handlebars like a joust, point it forward, and no one or
anything will challenge you, including the terrain.. Listen to me Ride-
A-Lot, I am a black belt MTBer, and Yoda could not defeat me..

Also, Ridey, after you're done with the rubber ducky, you can and
should throw big fat wet juicy dirt clads at your bike whilst it's in
the living room, so that again it's ready for anything, such as a
surprise attack like this from giant anti-Poochkums Mooseys on the war
path.. you gotta keep it on its toes, er, uh, wheels...

If you have a problem finding dirt clads in the living room, go out
and dig up your lawn and you should be able to gather sufficient
armament there, eh... better yet, you should dig up your neighbors
lawn and get them there..

I'm anxious to see your Moab picts as a result of my training clinic I
just gave you here, for free.... I'm really fond of you Poochkums,
you ought to compensate me for my fantastic universal advanced advice..