Armstrong Business Model

Solvang, CA - (February 24, 2004) - Krispy Kreme, or was it Sheryl Crow,
today announced today that Armstrong, had, as of yesterday, completed deals
to buy up one of every possible kind of company that now exists or has ever
existed or will ever exist.

"We now own all possibility," said Armstrong, "so it really doesn't matter
what the **** reality really is anymore, if, in fact, it ever even really
was anything in the first place, or if, in fact, it ever even really
mattered what."

Pausing momentarily to attempt but fail to cough up huge chunks of phlegm,
Armstrong invited all the seething masses out there to stop wasting their
"****ing time yearning to be free and stop bothering with, like, 'thinking'
or, like, trying to 'understand,' and just come on over to Armstrong
Incorporated and ****ing BUY SOMETHING, you materialistic sacks of ****."

Armstrong stated that every time one of his valued customers buys something
from Armstrong Incorporated, they are actually becoming a little more like
him, "which is GOOD."

"I am buying companies," said Armstrong, "and our valued seething
psychopathic customers are buying books [about people like me bying
companies]. And so they are almost just like me, which is both GOOD and the
name of a Paul Revere and the Raiders hit."

"And speaking of GOOD [which is half the name of a Paul Revere and the
Raiders hit]," said Armstrong, "in case there is any question that our
motivation is anything but PURE, we have also bought the whole Catholic
Church."

Armstrong, becoming somewhat impassioned as he addressed reporters, told
them that, in fact, he would personally be taking it upon himself to
personally travel the earth, personally taking EVERYONE's personal
confession, himself, in person, one by one.

"If they will all just reach down to the spirit deep inside them and confess
their shopping habits and little consumer hot buttons to me," said
Armstrong, "I can help them to a better life -- and can sell them just the
right Trek frameset to be riding along with just the right drug to be on
when riding that bike, and just the right munchy to be munching and just the
right chair to be sitting in with just the right animatronic sex doll
sucking them off."

Despite owning the Catholic Church, Armstrong still seemed to display a bit
of the sin of pride as he told reporters how his customer base contains,
like, 5 or 10 times as many customers as there are people in ALL of mankind
summed across ALL History.

"We have EVERYBODY and all their aliases and multiple personalities and
projections of themselves real and imagined, too, and our cookie technology
recognizes all of them as individuals by the relative pressure of their
fingers on certain keys," said Armstrong. "Behind their back and unbeknownst
to anyone."

According to the Armstrong Incorporated CEO, his customer database was even
being bolstered as he spoke, by the legions of souls waiting outside Time to
be re- or just plain in-carnated into this ****ing life.

These pre-re-incarnates apparently can't wait any longer and are shopping at
Armstrong Incorporated so that when they finally do "arrive," they will
already have lots of toaster ovens and unopened packs of old baseball cards
and hand crank Y2K radios, already waiting for them.

"They will, therefore, start off way ahead of the game," said Armstrong.
"Ahhh, to be a re-incarnate-in-waiting again. This is a great time to be not
quite yet alive."

Armstrong also stated that, starting today, in order to more quickly drive
the few remaining non-Armstrong-owned businesses out of existence and
destroy the world economy, he will make all products absolutely free, and
also pay the shipping out of his own pocket.

"Ultimately," said Armstrong, "we will reap vast long-term profits from this
business model, though this is, of course, totally incomprehensible to
mundane minds unable to think outside the old beat-up UPS crate they were
shipped in on."

According to analysts at the venture capital firm of Robert Chung, Connelly,
Lafferty, and Longwood, the new Armstrong Incorporated business model works
like this:

Along with the items that customers "purchase" for free, they also receive
1000 free shares of Armstrong stock. As stockholders, they now feel it
incumbent upon themselves to go out and find anyone who's not buying
everything from Armstrong -- and kill them.

This drives the value of Armstrong stock perpetually higher as "Wall Street"
sees it getting ever closer to the point where ALL non-Armstrong purchasing
is eliminated and Armstrong can suddenly charge whatever the **** it wants
for whatever shoddy piece of crap it can find to sell. At that point, the
company could begin to see actual profits.

Unfortunately, according to analyst Robert Chung, Connelly, Lafferty, and
Longwood, the total of all Armstrong profits liberally extrapolated till the
end of Time, is apparently still only just enough to buy either 100
Phenobarbitals and a bottle of Stoli or a shotgun and a footrest -- both
totally free and always in stock despite huge demand -- down at the
Armstrong general store, just off interstate 9.





























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events, or facts, but rather fabrications based on opinions and fact for the
sake of amusement.

Okay, that really is funny. Thanks for posting that, Richard.

(Ames) wrote in message . com...
Okay, that really is funny. Thanks for posting that, Richard.

You do realize that 'Richard Longwood' is NOT the poster's name???

Maybe you'd believe me if I told you my name was Dick Cockman, or
perhaps Stanley Ballgood?

Next time you meet a woman, introduce yourself as 'Dick Cockman' and
see if she gets it?

On 27 Feb 2004 06:19:03 -0800, Scott Hendricks wrote:
You do realize that 'Richard Longwood' is NOT the poster's name???

What has that got to do with the (alleged) funniness?

Ewoud Dronkert wrote in message . ..
On 27 Feb 2004 06:19:03 -0800, Scott Hendricks wrote:
You do realize that 'Richard Longwood' is NOT the poster's name???

What has that got to do with the (alleged) funniness?

nothing

Scott Hendricks wrote:


Next time you meet a woman, introduce yourself as 'Dick Cockman' and
see if she gets it?

I hope she gets it. That is what I'm here for.

Ewoud Dronkert wrote in message . ..
On 27 Feb 2004 06:19:03 -0800, Scott Hendricks wrote:
You do realize that 'Richard Longwood' is NOT the poster's name???

What has that got to do with the (alleged) funniness?


What he said!

Richard, Schmidard. It was funny. Thanks, Ewoud. Or whatever your name is.