Tom Kunich

Hitler Deeply Embarrassed By Repeated Comparisons To Tom Kunich



Buenos Aires (10-January-2005) Breaking a 58-year silence, former German
chancellor, Adolph Hitler, held a press conference early this morning at his
1200 acre villa just outside Buenos Aires, Argentina.



In a voice cracking with emotion, Hitler told reporters, "I am coming
forward today because... I am only human... and have feelings... and hearing
Tom Kunich compared to ME, day after day, by millions and billions of people
all over the world, is starting to bring me down."



Scanning the crowd, Der former Fuhrer seemed to reach back to a by-gone
glory, and suddenly turned all steely-eyed didactic.



"Look," he continued, now, "it's like this. If bein' a slimy sadistic
murderous fascistic mother****ing low-life scumbag is rock 'n roll, then I
am the Beatles, Stalin is the Rolling Stones, Pol Pot is the Who, and Tom
Kunich IS THE MONKEES!! -- So imagine how awful it feels if you're John
Lennon at a party and everybody's coming up all, 'hey, Peter Tork is just
like YOU.'"



Having gotten this off his chest, Hitler looked suddenly relaxed, and paused
for a moment.



Then, calling on us to "be like Rodney King and all just get along," Hitler
said that "no one, not even the least scumbag among us, deserves the fate of
having Tom Kunich compared to them, no matter how scummy their lives and
crimes, and especially if, say, maybe they just kinda got in with the wrong
crowd when they were young and wound up bein' kind of a sadistic murderous
brutal ugly mother****ing genocidal piece of **** scumbag by accident and
for maybe only a couplea years, way way back in the early 40's."



Reminding reporters about how "... and the '40s are just sooo OVER," Hitler
suddenly dropped his folksy style and momentarily got all down and
self-critical.

"But in the end," said Hitler, "I only have myself to blame. Like when Tom
Kunich came to me for spiritual guidance, and I opened my heart to the
little bugger, and showed him all my tricks, like the one about the
Reichstag. And then I turn on CNN and everything he says is coming straight
outta the Hitler playbook -- only dumbed down a little so the people at Fox
News can understand.



"But does Hitler get one ounce of credit," Hitler went on, "or even the
least little word of thanks? NOOOOOOOOO!! Hitler doesn't get bupkus! All
Hitler gets is just this 'Oh Tom Kunich, he's like all Hitler' bull****.
Which only makes Hitler feel so much worse -- cause in the pantheon of world
historic scumbags, Tom Kunich is down there just below the maggot in the
dirt between the toes of Pinochet's number 4 butt-boy's number 6 butt-boy."



Still in confessional mode, Hitler went on to admit that if he'd only known
that one day his youthful indiscretions would get him compared to Tom
Kunich, he might have taken a completely different path in life. "I probably
would have become a Catholic priest," Hitler said, no longer able to hold
back a tear at the thought of all the young lives he could have set on the
path of righteousness.



"I hope this is a lesson to young people everywhere." Hitler concluded. "So,
kids, don't be a slimy murderous mother****ing ignorant sadistic lying piece
of **** Nazi fascist scumbag, or one day you too may be quietly walking down
the street all smiling and happy on a bright sunny day in June when,
suddenly, someone walking by turns to her companion and pointing at you says
'see that slimy ignorant fascist douchebag -- Tom Kunich is just another
him.'"