Do You Want To Know For Sure That You Are Going To Haven?

OJ Simpson, former star of "The Simpsons," finally broke down, yesterday,
and confessed to knowing who killed his ex-bitch, Nicole. "I can't keep
quiet any longer," the once and future cartoon character told an interviewer
from ESPN, the Extra Steroids Please Network, "Like most people, I've been
lying about the murder in order to protect Tyler Hamilton, who's much too
busy diverting attention from the peloton by schmoozing Dick Pound et al. at
Camp Vampire, and shouldn't have to be bothered with all these petty,
cold-blooded, brutal murder charges." Simpson told ESPN, the Extra
Self-righteous retired Porker Network, that an extremely antsy Hamilton came
by his Rockingham gate, one night in June of '94, with his own trailer-park
trophy bitch, Heaven, looking for some class action. "He wanted to go over
to Nicole's and give Faye Resnick a Bolivian necktie or something," Simpson
said. "Just for kicks. Then he wanted to give Ron Goldman a partial birth
abortion, if you know what I mean." Simpson said he tried to call 911, but
Heaven stopped him by threatening to take him to court over his showing her
his cock or something. "I told Tyler I had to go to Chicago," Simpson
continued, "And suggested we just go out and chip some golf balls for a
while. But Hamilton said he wanted to go take a shower with Heaven and then
they'd both fly to Chicago with me. But then the phone rang and it was
Larry King." Simpson said that King told him to go over and kill his wife
cause "Things are gettin' just too ****in' slow around here," and that's
when Simpson told King about how Hamilton wanted to go over and give Faye
Resnick a Bolivian necktie. Apparently, however, King told Simpson that was
a totally stupid idea and wouldn't get any decent coverage, but if Tyler
killed Nicole while Simpson and Heaven watched, that would make a good
story, and in fact, had enough facets so it could be slowly released over
years and years, like a 24-hour time-release cold tablet. According to
Simpson, King was skin-popping angel dust with Johnny Versace and Elton John
and John Kennedy Jr. and Ruth Bader Ginsburg at the time, and he came up
with the whole scenario while they were on the phone and everybody kept
doing more drugs and egging him on. "King made me promise to do the Bronco
chase during his show, and said we could fill up about 3-4 years with just
me and the subsequent trials," Simpson said, "And then, when that was
starting to get, you know, really boring, we'd bring in the whole Tyler
Hamilton blood transfusion twin-twin angle and a year after that we'd bring
in the whole Heaven angle, which would give us maybe another 2-3 years of
play on the story, and hopefully by then, we could develop some new talent
who would come up with even more brutal, more absurdly stupid murders and
maybe even unheard of new types of crimes and trials and even emotions."
According to Simpson, King said that, after that, he'd be retired and really
didn't give a good flying **** what happened -- though King claims it was
just the drugs talking. Simpson claimed he'd been paid $12 million for each
phase of the show, as though each phase was a complete movie unto itself. "I
was just an actor hired to play a part," said Simpson. "Tyler Hamilton and
Heaven were just innocent dupes, and Larry King was the mastermind. Larry
King is the mastermind of all culture." According to the interviewer, OJ
told him, off the record, that his brain has been replaced with a handheld
artificial intelligence device, because Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, Bill
Gates, and Sonny Bono (who's death was recently faked so he could get away
from his wife and family and so Cher could get some much-needed publicity)
all felt he was much too important a property to be left to the mere whim of
serotonin, potassium, and acetyl cholinesterase.