Club rides that were rejected

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?


Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

So, what are other bad ideas for a club ride?

P.S. One of the rides above is actually from our club schedule
from a couple of years ago. Can you guess which?

"Mike Kruger" wrote:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected.

Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

Sounds like some rides I've been on. I'm guessing the Brickyard Tour was a
real ride.

Art Harris

Mike Kruger wrote:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?


Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

So, what are other bad ideas for a club ride?

P.S. One of the rides above is actually from our club schedule
from a couple of years ago. Can you guess which?



How about:

Tour de Major Arterial: A selection of very busy roads frequented by
trucks, buses, emergency vehicles, and commuters in a hurry. Route will
include numerous railroad crossings, traffic lights. No regrouping, dark
clothing only. Fenders not required in case of rain. Ride leaves 4:30PM
or whenever, lights not required after dark. Use of the f-word to talk
to passing motorists will be required and prizes awarded for originality.


Stockyard Ramble, Hog Farm Hejira, or Pulp Mills Perambulation: Enjoy
not only the sights and sounds, but the smells of cycling scenic and
odiferous roads. We'll be stopping for a lunch of red beans and rice,
chili dogs, and garlic paste because by then who cares what everyone in
front of you is doing. Frequent regroups and stops at the sleaziest
bathrooms we can find. Clean shorts optional.


Lung Tasting Tour: Drop it into the big ring and hammer hammer hammer
out of the parking lot. Bring your scabs and your attitude. Special sag
vehicles will run stragglers off the road. Inclement weather will move
ride to local sports bar, where there will be continually arguing over
who would have ridden whom off their wheel at Smuggler's Notch. Custom
bicycles only please.


Recovery Ride: Just getting back from an injury, riding like you are, or
maybe just looking for a little sympathy? This is the ride for you.
Easy pace allows for conserving breath for whining whining whining. No
complaint is disallowed, one-upsmanship will be graded. Rider with the
worst proven injury and most obnoxious complaint will be given a gag at
the end of the ride. Visible open sores cancel.

On Mon, 31 Jan 2005 23:17:15 +0000 (UTC), William Asher
wrote:

Mike Kruger wrote:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?


Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

So, what are other bad ideas for a club ride?

P.S. One of the rides above is actually from our club schedule
from a couple of years ago. Can you guess which?



How about:

Tour de Major Arterial: A selection of very busy roads frequented by
trucks, buses, emergency vehicles, and commuters in a hurry. Route will
include numerous railroad crossings, traffic lights. No regrouping, dark
clothing only. Fenders not required in case of rain. Ride leaves 4:30PM
or whenever, lights not required after dark. Use of the f-word to talk
to passing motorists will be required and prizes awarded for originality.


Stockyard Ramble, Hog Farm Hejira, or Pulp Mills Perambulation: Enjoy
not only the sights and sounds, but the smells of cycling scenic and
odiferous roads. We'll be stopping for a lunch of red beans and rice,
chili dogs, and garlic paste because by then who cares what everyone in
front of you is doing. Frequent regroups and stops at the sleaziest
bathrooms we can find. Clean shorts optional.


Lung Tasting Tour: Drop it into the big ring and hammer hammer hammer
out of the parking lot. Bring your scabs and your attitude. Special sag
vehicles will run stragglers off the road. Inclement weather will move
ride to local sports bar, where there will be continually arguing over
who would have ridden whom off their wheel at Smuggler's Notch. Custom
bicycles only please.


Recovery Ride: Just getting back from an injury, riding like you are, or
maybe just looking for a little sympathy? This is the ride for you.
Easy pace allows for conserving breath for whining whining whining. No
complaint is disallowed, one-upsmanship will be graded. Rider with the
worst proven injury and most obnoxious complaint will be given a gag at
the end of the ride. Visible open sores cancel.

All in favor of naming William to Activities Director say "Aye."


Ron

"William Asher" wrote
a bunch of good stuff

Thanks.



in message ...
Mike Kruger wrote:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the
new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride
ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?


Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to
chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which
is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist
on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid
marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of
Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those
spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain
or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

So, what are other bad ideas for a club ride?

P.S. One of the rides above is actually from our club
schedule
from a couple of years ago. Can you guess which?



How about:

Tour de Major Arterial: A selection of very busy roads
frequented by
trucks, buses, emergency vehicles, and commuters in a hurry.
Route will
include numerous railroad crossings, traffic lights. No
regrouping, dark
clothing only. Fenders not required in case of rain. Ride
leaves 4:30PM
or whenever, lights not required after dark. Use of the
f-word to talk
to passing motorists will be required and prizes awarded for
originality.


Stockyard Ramble, Hog Farm Hejira, or Pulp Mills
Perambulation: Enjoy
not only the sights and sounds, but the smells of cycling
scenic and
odiferous roads. We'll be stopping for a lunch of red beans
and rice,
chili dogs, and garlic paste because by then who cares what
everyone in
front of you is doing. Frequent regroups and stops at the
sleaziest
bathrooms we can find. Clean shorts optional.


Lung Tasting Tour: Drop it into the big ring and hammer
hammer hammer
out of the parking lot. Bring your scabs and your attitude.
Special sag
vehicles will run stragglers off the road. Inclement
weather will move
ride to local sports bar, where there will be continually
arguing over
who would have ridden whom off their wheel at Smuggler's
Notch. Custom
bicycles only please.


Recovery Ride: Just getting back from an injury, riding
like you are, or
maybe just looking for a little sympathy? This is the ride
for you.
Easy pace allows for conserving breath for whining whining
whining. No
complaint is disallowed, one-upsmanship will be graded.
Rider with the
worst proven injury and most obnoxious complaint will be
given a gag at
the end of the ride. Visible open sores cancel.

Another nominee:

Mooch Ride
Live off the land on this ride. Don't bring a pen, a sign-up
sheet, a tube, patch kit or a pump. We'll head up the North
Branch trail on a nice Sunday and borrow gear from passerby if
there are any breakdowns. Rest stop at Panera where we'll eat
the free samples of bagels and cream cheese, or we'll get
taste spoons of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins.

Mike Kruger wrote:
I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?


Poser Ride:

Only for those with megabuck bikes. We'll put them on our SUV's and
drive to various park and ride lots, then ride a short distance to a
nearby trendy coffee house or deli from each lot. We'll only ride on
perfect roads so put on your special event wheels for maximum admiration
from the masses. Please make sure your jersey and shorts match. New
bar tape and water bottles are mandatory. Bring $50 for snacks and drinks.

--
My bike blog:
http://diabloscott.blogspot.com/

Poser Ride:

Only for those with megabuck bikes. We'll put them on our SUV's and
drive to various park and ride lots, then ride a short distance to a
nearby trendy coffee house or deli from each lot. We'll only ride on
perfect roads so put on your special event wheels for maximum admiration
from the masses. Please make sure your jersey and shorts match. New
bar tape and water bottles are mandatory. Bring $50 for snacks and drinks.

Extra credit if your socks match too.


Chris Neary


"Science, freedom, beauty, adventu what more could
you ask of life? Bicycling combined all the elements I
loved" - Adapted from a quotation by Charles Lindbergh

Mike Kruger wrote:
I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Ride for Prostate Cancer. This ride benefits prostate
cancer survivors, and is open to male riders of upright
bicycles ("wedgies") with old-style, non-anatomical
saddles ("ass-hatchets").

On Mon, 31 Jan 2005 23:17:15 +0000 (UTC), William Asher wrote:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Actual ride just nobody seems to like the concept

The Shortest Day or Precious, it's my Birthday:

Ride from Jamesburg to Bordentown to Sandyhook and back. Enjoy cool
Jersey shore breezes and a leasurely ride along the Delaware as we
ride through the narrowest part of the state. Occasional stops. Gale
force winds or snow accumulation cancels and yes we'll still ride if
it's below freezing.

A/3/130 mile (A = 17 - 18 overall avg, 4 = flat, no hills)

BTW, my club does the Longest Day ride a double century and it is a
December ride.

My friend is working on this:

Hills of the Flatlands: Ride along the Jersey shore as we venture to
every hill we can find. 4000ft total climb and back to sea level.

B/3/70 (B = 16 -17, 3 = some hills)

My current favorite and one I'm working on for this summer:

Dyslexics of the world untie (or it's never a 3 hour tour!):

Come join your fearless leader as we try out new routes which will
include Ft Dix Artillery range (mechanics troubles and we'll abandon
you), the spitting Lama (and you thought dogs were bad!), the Pine
Barrens (there is no one for miles!). And I still haven't learned my
left from my right.

A+,4,130 +/- (A+ = 18+ overall avg, no hills, +/- means we could get
lost and get more miles).

--
Linux Home Automation Neil Cherry
http://home.comcast.net/~ncherry/ (Text only)
http://hcs.sourceforge.net/ (HCS II)
http://linuxha.blogspot.com/ My HA Blog