The MJV Guide to Usenet

TROLL.SIG last modified: 10-1-2000

Troll: (Also known as an MJV - not to be confused with an SUV)
A deliberately disrupting, confused and incorrect
post, or one posting trolls to a Usenet group to
generate a flurry of responses from people called
"billygoats" trying to set the record straight.
Other trollers enter the fray adding more and more
misinformation so that the thread eventually dies of
strangulation. Trolls/trollers cannot be affected
by facts nor logic.

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From: J Wootton
Newsgroups: sci.environment
Subject: How to argue on Usenet
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2000 19:50:04 GMT

http://www.brunching.com/features/fe...gueusenet.html

People come up and talk to me, usually on public transit, wanting to
know how to access the newsgroups on the Internet so the terrible urges
will go away. I try to give these people what help I can stand, but it
saddens and distracts me to know how many out there don't know how to
properly behave on that great landfill of the intellect known as Usenet.
It is for them that this guide was created.

Picking a Battle

Feel free to argue about anything that interests you, but keep this in
mind: you have a moral obligation to challenge people's assumptions,
particularly the assumption that they're not morons. So make sure that
you pick the newsgroup where the most people are going to disagree with
you. A simple template for your first post: "People who are into [insert
subject of newsgroup] are such losers!"

A Life, The Getting Thereof

There are only two valid activities in this world: personally attending
to the injured and hungry, and picking fights in newsgroups. Everything
else -- from political protest to playing "go" -- indicates someone who
has too much spare time and needs to get a life. Point this out to them:
they'll thank you for it later.

Censorship

Whenever anyone calls you a chowderhead, tells you they've heard more
coherent statements from randomly arranged Scrabble tiles, or disagrees
with you, they are practicing censorship. People who believe in free
speech keep their opinions to themselves. Except you, of course.

Your Opponents

Remember, the forces of those who disagree with you are a monolith of
credulity and/or scepticism. You can freely assume that any one of them
is a spokesperson for the whole mob. If one person who believes in gay
rights also believes that the egg salad sandwiches at the 7-11 are
controlling his mind, they all do!

Name Calling

Please do! One important thing, though: don't actually refer to your
opponent's argument. This just distracts from the refreshing change of
pace found in speculating about his or her social life, sexual
practices, and possible theoretical criminal background. Extra bonus
hint: come up with a mocking variation on your adversary's name and use
that in all postings.

Proof

Once you've reached a stalemate on an unanswerable subject (Existence of
God, Death Star vs. Enterprise, &c.), that doesn't mean the fun has to
end there. Oh, heavens no! Try arguing about who has the "burden of
proof." Remember to say "Occam's Razor" a lot. Occam was a fun guy who
loved to have his name invoked in arguments about whether daisies can
think. He would have agreed with you.

Winning

This one's pretty obvious: you win when you say you win. After all,
who's more qualified to judge the depth and wit of your reasoning than
yourself? So make sure to keep everyone informed by reminding them in
each post that you are winning, or more accurately that you've won and
are just continuing the discussion because your tea isn't done yet.

Emergency Back-Up Plan

Sometimes things don't go right, and you may find yourself fleetingly
doubting your ironclad arguments. When this happens, do not question
yourself! Who knows where that could lead? Instead, if you must, stop
arguing. However, you can't leave people with the impression that you
were wrong, so make as much noise about not arguing as you can. Explain
that your opponent is not worth responding to, that they are biased and
"PC" (it doesn't matter what the argument is: "PC" is now a synonym for
"inclined to disagree with me"), and that you will no longer respond to
them, except possibly to explain a couple more times why you're not
responding. Then pat yourself on the back for a job well done.