Funny Capper to the 'Diet Madness' mega-thread - enjoy

OK, some of this is funny and some is a compilation of non-scientific POV,
or other light commentary - most of you will recognize the various Cons and
Tricks. Feel free to exercise your funny bone and make wild retorts and add
to the funny diet section at the end:

Then we're having a moratorium and will only talk solid biking for at least
2 weeks, OK? g

-B

The Ultimate diet Cheat Book and Overview:

Low Fat -
Pros: Can actually reverse Heart Disease (According to Time Mag ). Looks
like a lot of food when you pile the plate with salads.
Cons: diet is hard to do b/c of hidden fats, person is hungry all the time,
much to their puzzlement. (side issues: eating wrong types of fat, heating
certain fats).
Trick: all salads, no butter, less meat, Fruits OK - can be appealing, but
since taste buds aren't satisfied, might be tempted to 'put a little some
kind of dressing on the salad, it won't hurt'. Easy to identify
Density-rich calorie food, but not so easy to actually not eat it.
Get confused and think that lots of bread OK, just a little Promise/Can't
believe it's not butter, doughnuts (high fat). sugary Cereal, empty
calories.
Exercisers: Joggers do it? Secretaries do it? Lovers do it?
Examples: Ornish, Pritikin

Low Carb -
Pros: Taste buds satisfied, no feeling of deprived; rich foods OK, Support
is getting good, splenda, splenda Ice cream. Whooshes!
Cons:
o Diet is mod hard to start, and if quit, weight put back on.
o Whiney FFID : "I went off plan and ate 2 all-meat pizzas, but restarted
and drank plenty of water." 2000 fake carb things recipes are swapped back
and forth (cauliflower potatoes, non carb muffins, etc.).
o Can't really eat that many fruits (sure ya can, just skip apples and a
couple others), no fruit juices, might have to give up dairy.
o"Hidden carbs" are everywhere. Atkins bars contain Glycerine based
product which can cause stalls.
o Moms like to force odd Carb foods, asking "Is this OK to eat" - offers
plates of cookies, pies and candy.
o Might form Kidney stones/Gout Sez: Time Mag.
o For some people it causes lethargy and headache.

Trick:
o Benign Dietary Ketosis =? lowered appetite; easy, once carbs are purged
o Sometimes Carbs get into mouth, but sudden realization happens and you
can spit them out
o Packing up all carbs in the house on Day one, and giving them away to
neighbors improves their opinion of your charitable nature.

Exercisers/Fans: Weight lifters, Bikers, Intellectuals.
Examples: Atkins, Sugar Busters, Zone (acc. to Time mag, Zone, that is)

Low Calorie -
Pros: food eaten everyday varies quite a bit. Maybe if you just eat as
normal, but cut everything on every plate (except water) in 1/2, then you
should lose weight rapidly and consistently. Store the other 1/2 in a
baggie, and uh, don't eat it.
Cons:
o Cheating can be high, you might eat things you don't realize (sugared
gum, cola),
o May tend to be miserable and only thinking 'when can I quit this
sucker'.
Exercise: Trying to break the combination, or drill, punch and peel the
Vault Door of Refrigerator?
Trick: They use cards, and stuff to motivate.
Examples: Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Rich Simmons, Reality Show Diet.

Others:
All Grapefruit and cottage cheese Diet, known by that sunken cheeks and
dark circles under the eyes;
All Alphabet Diet - I can eat anything that has a "C" in it; Eat anything
that begins with a 'P".
All Red-Neck diet - Cigarettes, coffee and beer. It's OK to snarf all the
butts from the ashtrays after the party and roll a second gen smoke if
you're out Sunday morning;
All Cops Diet - Doughnuts, Meatball Hoagies, Coffee. Honest that white
powder on the front of my uniform is from the confection sugar doughnut;
All X Files Diet - If that's a Meat-ball Sub, I'll marry you Scully. You
got something going on with the pizza man I should know about? We eat the
fish, the fish eat us.
All Grating on my Nerves Diet - Jared and Subway
All Hacker's Diet - Jolt Cola and day old pizza
All Cold Stuff Diet - (Ellington Darden Diet) After all a calorie is one gm
of water heated to 98.6deg F. Frozen Hot Dogs, A lot of Ice water
All Sefood diet: If I can see it, eat it - Most americans.
All Drug Trafficker Diet : Condoms and Cocaine
All Anorexia Diet: Take regular food - find new place to hide it so the
hospital staff will think you're eating. Between mattress Mashed potatoes;
Cut up and little bits and thrown around the room Liver; Mashed Green Peas,
and put them between the pages of every magazine and reader's digest in the
room.
All Cat diet - Eat a bug, steal a bite outta the center of the day's
humans' meal, puke
All Baby Diet - Smear food in hair, while grinning madly. Occasionally
throw food on floor, spit it down chin.